Been a while

It’s been a while….. just been busy and trying to stay healthy throughout this heat. Also dealing with pain nearly 24/7. Its always my knee and back and it really drains me emotionally and physically. Tomorrow Monday morning I go for my Functional Capacity Exam and I am getting anxious and worried. 

Have heard so many horror stories of people going through it. I’m afraid my inability to do things will be seen as “faking” it when in all honesty and reality I’m not. I want to do more things and have more of a independence and freedom to do fun things and even just do normal daily stuff without pain. But I can’t and I know they’re going to push me past what I feel I can do safely but I know I have no say. I have to do what they say Monday even if it hurts like hell. 
I’m scared. I don’t wanna hurt more than I already do. I don’t want to be seen as faking it, as I am not. And I don’t want to be pushed back into work and things I can’t yet do even though I really want the independence and freedom back. I understand the other side and wanting to cut me loose so they can stop paying me but if that rug wouldn’t have been in that shack in the shape it was in I wouldn’t have been tripped up by it and none of this would have happened. I know my weight has some to do with it but not all of it. I was walking on this knee pain free BEFORE I fell. 

Just freaking out. Anxiety attack and anxiety attack today. 

Advertisements

     I used to go sit at the train tracks when I needed space and time to think. Did I have bad thoughts sometimes? Yes. The tracks made me actually feel something at times I didn’t feel anything. I really could use the tracks right now. 

Service Dogs

      I must write a blog post about Service Dogs. It has been quite the weekend. A year ago a friend of mine introduced me into the world of Service Dogs. He trains them from puppies til they are old enough to be task trained and then he trains them for he specific person they are going to and what tasks they need. He submerged me in information and then I did my own research. 

     I found out that if you are disabled; An individual with a disability is defined by the ADA as a person who has a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more major life activities, a person who has a history or record of such an impairment, or a person who is perceived by others as having such an impairment. You can utilize a Service Dog that is either owner trained or trained by an organization to do tasks to mitigate your disability. 

     In August 2015 I was airlifted to the U of I in Iowa City, Iowa for what they thought was a stroke at the age of 28. I spent two days in the hospital to later find out what I had was not a stroke but was a Hemiplegic Migraine. 

     Hemiplegic migraine is a rare and serious type of migraine headache. Many of its symptoms mimic those common to stroke; for example, muscle weakness can be so extreme that it causes a temporary paralysis on one side of your body, which doctors call hemiplegia.

      In August 2015 was the scariest time of my life and since then I have had three more attacks. The more attacks I have the more of a chance I have of having a stroke. 

     Along with having Hemiplegic Migraines I also have major depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, major anxiety, panic disorder and fainting spells. All of those issues significantly limit me in my daily life. They can be debilitating to say the least and so I thought to myself, “Hmm wonder if a Service Dog would help me?”  

     Well fast forward to current. My Lola who is almost two is now my offical Service Dog. She knows all of her basic commands. She stays in a “sit stay” and a “down stay” perfectly. When my heart rate elevates for any reason, which could mean anxiety, panic attack or an early sign of a possible migraine that could come and she knows to pin up against me and she insists on it. Won’t listen if I tell her to get down and she pins herself as hard as she can until my heart rate lowers. She has also been trained during a panic episode to show me the exit. She will run closer to the exit then back to me and then closer to the exit and back to me and so on until I follow. Those are her two offical trained tasks but we are also starting to task train her to pick up dropped items and to go grab my medications for me on demand. We are getting close. 

      I do not know where I would be without Lola. I remember last year when she wasn’t officially trained and I couldn’t call her a Service Dog and so I couldn’t take her everywhere with me. I wish she would have been because we went to our family reuinion and an issue happened and I went into one of my worst panic attacks. Couldn’t breathe, my heart rate was really high and I was close to fainting. I wish I would have had her. She could have probably stopped it. 

     Anyways for the past year or so I have been in a few Service Dog communities on FB. They have helped me out alot with the laws and whatnot. I have had some access issues with Lola and turned away from areas by law I am allowed to take her to but thankfully not too many but enough that made me do alot more research. Those communities I am in take it very seriously. I will post a photo with the persons name blurred out for privacy. But some SD handlers take access issues and their rights within the ADA and their Service Dog very seriously. They will take it as far as court. And I know one person who has gotten a business closed down due to issue after issue. I don’t do that. I just educate and advocate the best I can. For maybe the business just doesn’t know the current laws and hopefully just talking them through it and pointing them in the right direction for the current laws is enough for the next person doesnt have the same issue. 


     I still don’t take Lola with me 100% of the time but if I know I’m going to a situation where I know I will need her, you bet she’ll be with me. But once I get more confidence in my SD Handler status I am sure she’ll be with me all the time. 

     Psychwards don’t usually let SD’s and they don’t have to because the handler cannot leave the unit to take care of their dog but I did have a victory and whenever I am in one she is allowed in there with me when my husband visits she is allowed to stay with me during visitation hours. Others dont get that opportunity. But I educate and advocated til I was blue in the face. 

      Anyways, please educate yourself on Service Dogs. I am a handler and Lola is my lifeline and she will be with me and there will come a time where I won’t go somewhere if she is not allowed with me. 


I love you Lola Humphrey!

Judgments


“Do not judge my story by the chapter you walked in on.” – Unknown

     Does anyone else categorize the chapters in their lives by people? Well, I do. I’ll explain. But it will not be in any specific order. 

  • Parents – They raised me the best they could. 
  • Dad- We butted heads alot growing up. We are so much a like I have always been told. But yet we still didn’t understand each other. I remember the first I love you.  He left for Vegas and told me while I was half asleep. He was told it was something I needed to hear. Correct. I know he is a man of actions and not words. He shows his feelings by what he does for us. I remember the last hug. My 18th Birthday. He took me, my mother, brother and a friend to DQ. I just impulsively hugged him and thanked him. We fought alot growing up. I was scared to talk to him about alot of things. But once I moved out and got married our relationship got better. I’m not as afraid to talk to him about things. Sometimes we still fight but mostly now it is just me being over sensitive and him being him. Lol
  • Mom- My relationship with her has always been pretty good. I know I can tell her anything. She would never turn her back no matter what I do. And boy have I done some things. Growing up I would have rathered stay home and hang out with my mom than go out and do what everyone else was doing. 29 years old and I still would rather go do something with my mom than go out to the bar or something with others. Sometimes I compare our relationship with the one she had with her mother and I wish ours was like that. But I understand everyone is different and I am okay with that. I have only gotten mad at my mom, like really mad, only once. Didn’t talk to her for days. But wasn’t just her. It was everyone. 
  • 2) Siblings – Up and down but we know we will always be there for each other. 
  • Sister- She is 8 years older than me. I was an annoying sister. Was always into her things when she was gone. But what she probably doesn’t know is I always looked up to her and wanted to be like her and still do. Our relationship is up and down. Sometimes I think she still sees me as the annoying sister but somethings I contribute that to my BPD. My paranoia. I know I can go to her for anything. I just have to call, or walk in her front door. She she’d be there. 
  • Brother- I am 4 years older. We fought like cats and dogs growing up. I remember throwing his head and elbow through a wall once. The evidence is still in my parents spare bedroom. I won’t say we ever hated eachother. But boy did we fight as brother and sisters do. But here we are. Im 29 hes 25 and you wouldn’t know we were ever like that. We aren’t attached at the hip or anything but I know if I ever needed anything or anyone hurt me he would be there. He is just that type of guy. He’d jump over a table at someone to protect someone he loves. And I know because he did it once. 

Parents and siblings. I categorize this as my childhood chapters and my now adult chapters. Chapters that will never close. Family is #1 to me. 

  • Family – I am family oriented. I wish we were all closer. But you can’t always get everything you want. But I do know 90% of them if I needed anything they would be there no questions asked.  
  • “Fave Uncle” I won’t name names. He knows who he is. Others know who he is. He is someone who I have never hesitated with. Never hesitated to hug. To say I love you. To go to if I needed something. As a child I always wanted to spend the night with him. I always joke that he still owes me a night. He promised a night to spend with him when I was teenager that I still haven’t got. I’m too old for that now though. I felt very close to him. Going into my 30s that has kind of melted away for a lack of a better word. I don’t know if it is my BPD or what but I don’t feel as close. I always think he is annoyed by me. I quit hugging. I quit doing everything I used to. Sadly for that to change he is going to have to be the one to realise it and reach out. 

Again family is childhood and adulthood. Somethings I miss. Somethings I don’t. Somethings I wish would change. Life is short. Wish we could all get along and spend more time together. Both sides of my family. 

  • School – School was hell but I don’t think I would be who I am today without it. If I could go back with the mentality and memories I have now, I would and change the ending. 
  • Middle School “The Boys” The boys who paid my crush to dance with me as a huge joke. That was the start of not trusting anyone. Even though they have all apologized back then and a few have as adults. I’ve long forgiven but I won’t forget because it helped make me who I am today. Middle school was also when two friends found out about my cutting M&A and told a teacher. I had been doing it for years but they paid enough attention to do something. I still cut sometimes even going into my 30s but I think it would still be a secret and worse if they hadn’t have told. 
  • Highschool. I offically came out as into both men and women. I lost all of my friends I hung out with all the time by this time. I was bullied the most in highschool. My depression was at its worst. Cutting at its worst. I went to my first inpatient psychward during this time where I ended up meeting the best and most wonderful friend I could have ever met. I ended up dropping out at the start of Junior year. 

I wish I could say school chapter is closed. But how can it ever be? Its helped shape who I am today. 

  • My first in-patient psychward stay. Iowacity I was 16. Thats where I met “J”. We were fast friends. Found out she was at my sisters first wedding and we had the same family friends. We became the best of friends outside of the hospital. I’d stay at her house. She’d come stay at mine. We talked all of the time. She was the most beautiful person I’ve ever known. Sadly in 2005 this world lost this beautiful person. RIP “J” I will always miss you and apologize up and down for being so mad at you before you died because of some stupid reason that wasn’t any good reason to be mad at you. I love and miss you always. 

Wish I could say my In Patient chapter is closed but BPD and Depression doesn’t just go away. It’s something I am going to be dealing with for the rest of my life. 

  • Romantic Relationships- Hmm I’ve had some of the best and worst. 
  • “J.A” my first kiss. My first “boyfriend”. Won’t go into much detail. But I will never forget him 
  • “J.C” my first official boyfriend. We were “together” for three years. Well three summers. My first love. We saw him eachother every summer for those three years when my family would go camping. But the next summer I was to see him he was no where to be found. Won’t go into detail. But he got into some trouble. I found him several years later expecting him to be the same JC he was but stupidly he was not. 
  • “J.P” at age 14. I lost my “cough cough”. Not much else to say about that. He dumped me shortly after. But damn three J’s. I must of had a thing for J names. Haha and it doesn’t end with “J.P”
  • First girlfriend. “S.N”. My first official girlfriend I was 18. This was before my Dad found out about my sexuality and I think my Mom still thought it was a phase. I’m not sure. Funny story. We would spend the night alot together. My house. Her house. Well one time it was Valentines day. She brought me candy and a rose and my Dad asked my Mom why S.N had done that and it hit my Dad like a brick wall. “……Ooooooooooh…” I was lucky. My parents and siblings have always been supportive of my sexuality. 
  • My Husband. We met when he was a freshman, I was a sophomore. In 2002. We dated for a while. Went to church youth group alot. But lost touch after I dropped out. He married someone else. Had a son. But then we found eachother again in 2009. He was in the middle of his divorce. Then after it was finalized in 2010, June 5th we got married. Been married for almost 7 years. He is the end chapter of my relationships. But there is one more to list. 
  • My affair. “J.M”. I left my husband for someone else. A female. I thought. I swore she was the one. I swore I was a lesbian and that I would be with her for the rest of my life. I was mesmerized. But back then I didn’t realise that I was in love with the thought of her. What I thought we had. But the shade over your eyes only lasts forever. I can’t say I never loved her. But it wasn’t like I thought it was. Thank God what I had with my Husband is real and forever and he was still waiting for me. 

I am married now. All chapters are closed. Vows said. I’m here to stay. 

Do not judge me by my past and where I’ve been. Judge me by the lessons I learn and where I will go in the future. 

…..

      3 O’clock am and everyone in the house is asleep. I’m wide awake. Keep having this vertigo type feeling when laying down. The room is spinning and feels like my heart is sinking into my chest. Very scary. 

     Anyways, finally got my check. Holidays always put stuff behind. I should be used to it but I still freak out. My WC people are known for just not paying randomly so you never know what’s going on. 

     But anyways. All bills are caught up. But, Today city wide the water will be turned off from 6am til ????? for water pipe fixing. So we had to fill 5 gallon buckets of water so we have water to fill the toilet so we can use it. What a mess. 

     Yawwwwn guess I better try sleeping again. 

Ps: 🚨🚨🚨 If you read my blog. You can leave comments without an account. I don’t mind people leaving comments. I just don’t want an on going conversation going on about whats in my posts. Thats what the rule is about. But feel free to comment so I know who’s reading and who isnt. 

Sigh

     Some days are better than others. Today is not one of those better days. Been in bed most of the day. Finally at 11:50pm and I’m atleast on the couch watching Impractical Jokers. 

     I do not know why some days I am doing alright. I don’t think about it. But then some days when I think about it, it is all I can think about and I get really down and stay down. 

     I am going to be 30 in August. Since 2011 I have had four pregnancies, five losses. Three single pregnancies and one set of twins.  But lost all five. Mostly early on twelve weeks or less but one was a later term. Each one killing me inside more than the one before. 

     At almost 30 sometimes I think it would be easier to just go get my tubes tied and forget all about having anymore children. Less heartache. I don’t think another loss I would be able to stay on this earth. No worries. I’m safe. Sometimes it just helps to get all feelings out. 

Childhood

     As a child my parents worked their asses off to make sure their three children where fed, clothed, educated and happy. We were one of the lucky ones who didn’t have to go without our needs being met. Yes, sometimes we didn’t get a toy we wanted. Yes, sometimes we didn’t get brand new clothes every school year. Yes, sometimes we got an allowance when things were easier but sometimes it was taken away when things were hard. And yes sometimes we threw fits when we were told no. 

     I would like to say we were spoiled as kids. We always got what we needed and we usually got what we wanted. We were lucky. One thing that still sticks with me into adulthood is remembering that no matter how hard things got as children we were fed well. We didn’t go hungry. 

     Remembering through my childhood of that and into my adulthood it kind of fuels me into my mental illness. When we are low on money and we don’t have much food on the table and we are eating Ramen Noodles, Lunchmeat Sandwiches, and PB&J Sandwiches all the time, during those times that is usually the only meal we have for the day. That fuels my depression. And that scares me. 

     I always make a joke, “I love me my food” because as silly as it sounds, us having a dozen things to choose from in the cubbords to make a meal out of keeps me stable. And when we are low and all there is to choose from is Ramen Noodles, Lunchmeat Sandwiches, and PB&J Sandwiches my depression starts showing its face. 

     Then I think of my inability to work right now, husband being laid off for the summer, the little amount of money coming in, the bills stacking up and then the little BPD part of my brain says “You’re better off………..”. Yes, I won’t finish that. I just start getting scared and wonder when we will be back to Ramen Noodles, Lunchmeat Sandwiches, and PB&J Sandwiches. 

     I shouldn’t be complaining. Theres children and elderly and other people out there who haven’t ate in days and I’m sitting here complaining and sulking because I made dinner tonight, Meatloaf, and forgot the egg and it was a horrible dinner (my Dad cooks all the time. Has taught me alot. I still cook dinners he has taught me. How in the world did I forget the egg????) . A dinner someone else who was starving would have gladly ate and not said one negative thing about it. 

     But, I am one of the lucky ones. We got approved for insurance. We got approved for food stamps. So atleast for another year, I know I am going to eat. But who’s out there not knowing where their next meal is?

     I have parents, siblings, and other family and friends who would gladly give us any help their capable of. We are one of the lucky ones. And for that I am greatly appreciative. 

BPD

     Just recently I was diagnosed with BPD and Major Depression. BPD stands for Borderline Personality Disorder. Borderline personality disorder is a serious mental illness that centers on the inability to manage emotions effectively. 

     The disorder occurs in the context of relationships: sometimes all relationships are affected, sometimes only one. Most people who have BPD suffer from problems regulating their emotions and thoughts, impulsive and sometimes reckless behavior, and unstable relationships. Other disorders, such as depression, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, substance abuse and other personality disorders can often exist along with BPD. 

The diagnosis of BPD is frequently missed and a misdiagnosis of BPD has been shown to delay and/or prevent recovery. Bipolar disorder is one example of a misdiagnosis as it also includes mood instability. There are important differences between these conditions but both involve unstable moods. For the person with bipolar disorder, the mood changes exist for weeks or even months. The mood changes in BPD are much shorter and can even occur within the day.

     For the longest time I was thought to have BiPolar Disorder. But after my two most recent inpatient psychiatric stays I have come to realize that diagnosis is wrong and this whole time I have had BPD. All of my relationships are affected by it. My immediate family. My husband. My ability to have friends. My ability to open up and completely trust anyone. I deal with paranoia all the time. Always thinking everyone is mad at me and that I am in the way and bugging everyone. 

    I also have major depression, anxiety, difficulty managing impulses (ie: lieing, spending, making major decisions without thinking), binge eating, and an addiction to self harm. 

     I am still coping with this diagnosis. I am still trying to let it sink in. And all of that is causing anxiety, paranoia, and wanting to self harm. But right now I am stable and doing okay. It is just nice to finally know what is going on with me. I do not like labels but sometimes after suffering so long in limbo, finally having an explanation, a label, can be comforting. 

     My name is Ayla and I have BPD. 

    

Out with the Old. In with the New. 

     I had an old blog. I began writting in it early 2014. Today May 28th 2017 I have deleted it. Old chapter closed. Memories need be forgotten. So I made this new one. New site. New outlet. Just new. It will still be a public blog. But this way I have better ways of keeping track of my stats of who is reading and who isn’t. 

     There are rules. Well one really. Do not under any circumstances come and talk to me about anything written in this blog. It is my outlet to get the words out of my head. Open up. Without the anxiety of talking about it. 

     So, if you are reading this and you love and care about me in any percentage then please follow that rule and don’t ruin this for me. For now this is the end of the first entry. More to come at a later date. 

-A